-Wails in grief-

Can you imagine a world where this relationship hadn’t ended with Dean stabbing himself. Or if he had successfully done so only to wake in the hospital a few hours later? Sam would have been beside himself and Mary would have been SO PISSED.

And then the explanations. And the truth of their history. And Mary shell shocked that Dean knows about the past…. well the past that was theirs right up until the night that this weird dude in a battered trench coat showed up out of nowhere and voided her contract and by killing Azazel when he came for Sam in his nursery.

And this was supposed to be OVER. They were supposed to be safe. Dark paths were supposed to be curtailed, for the most part at least. Only now there’s this amazing, utterly broken man in the hospital bed who both is and ISN’T her elder son.

This is Dean yes, but not the Dean that she raised.  

And what is she supposed to do in response to this metamorphisis? Because this Dean’s going to be gone out on the open road the moment he can climb out of his bed. She can see it in his eyes - the desperation and determination and resolve.  He’s running from his own demons as much as he’s fighting other ones.

And she’s going to kill something. KILL SOMETHING BLOODILY.  She’s going to rip heaven and hell apart if someone doesn’t tell her how this happened. How someone made this exhausted WARRIOR out of her gentle empathetic son.

(And then there’s Sam. We’re not even going to talk about Sam. Who’s literally writihing in a combination of horror and grief laced guilt. Because he’s looking at a big brother who is both everything he ever wanted in a sibling, and he’s both shattered and FUCKING terrifying. And what is Sam going to do, when Dean takes the impala and starts tilting at windmills that turned out to be dragons? What in fuck is he possibly going to do?)


"I’ve built most of the furniture in my house. I want to get to the point where I’ve built everything. I built my couches; I built my table and chairs; I built my bed and all my bedroom furniture. There’s a couple of things on my deck that I didn’t make. Eventually I’ll get there. But I also built the house, so, you know, hey!"
~Misha Collins [x]

(photos of home interior are screencaps from Misha’s Bing commercial)


8.23 & 9.23

These scenes kill me, but the one from 9.23 especially because what Sam is getting (FINALLY) from Dean is honesty. And that honesty involves a level of disconnect that just rips out my guts.

Because Sam has been struggling for weeks to deal with a Dean going further and further off the rails,- he’s been worrying about Dean’s violent fugue states, about Dean’s refusal to acknowledge an apparently worsening addiction, and amidst all that he’s also been furious about how Dean refuses to admit the clear wrongness of his past actions.

All these are understandable concerns, but they’re also the problems of those with a future.  They are simply put, the issues of those with a life still ahead of them.

And Dean? What Dean’s been walking toward is DEATH. Because in his mind that’s probably his best option at this point.

Which means Sam in this scene is essentially letting go of his fury over the way Dean’s bad choices left them both with burn scars long enough to realize the room’s in fact still ON FIRE behind him.

♚ QUEER DEAN MONTH ♚ favorite queer relationships(2/?)

Dean and Benny